Thoughts In the Dark of Night
by brittany.heye
Summary: Tony is left alone at home with a radio, a bullet in his vest and his thoughts to fill the dark silence of his apartment. Then a knock at his door, a conversation, and some honesty change his life in a way he could have never imagined. Songfic AU for 9x01 based on Brett Young's In Case You Didn't Know.


_I can't count the times_

_I almost said what's on my mind_

_But I didn't_

The quiet in Tony's apartment was broken by the quiet song that slipped out of the radio's speakers. He supposed he had sat, lost in his train of thought for far to long. It would only be right that a song like this would be the thing to bring him out of the near trance.

As of late, it seemed that Tony had a never ending amount of things on his mind, things he had wished he had said, things he had wished he could've, maybe should've done. Chief among them were many relating to his Israeli… partner.

_He should have been there for her citizenship ceremony a year ago. He should have been there for her this last summer after everything with CI-Ray. He should have been honest with her- about them, about him, about EJ._

He wished he had been there to see his best friend officially become a United States citizen. Instead, because of orders, he had been in Mexico, nearly killed by Franks, then because of Franks, only to have the nightmare follow him home. Then this summer he had missed her celebration over becoming a full special agent. He had, again, been following orders. Orders that had lead to the death of people he knew, the possible death of a girl he had something like a relationship with. Orders that had left him alone in the hospital with nothing but blocked memories, Gibbs and Kate's sister.

_Just the other day_

_I wrote down all the things I'd say_

_But I couldn't_

There were so many other people that could have been coming through that door to his hospital room, but none he hoped to see more than his partner. Instead he had allowed the shrink to play mind games with him, on Gibbs' orders, leaving him feeling more drained then he had after being shot.

As soon as the good Doc had left, Gibbs hot on her heels, Tony had seen himself checked out of the hospital and he and his bullet-filled vest had gone home. He had methodically pried the bullet from the vest and then left it on his kitchen table, the bullet in an empty evidence jar he had pulled from his go bag. He couldn't stare at it anymore, the one thing that had kept him alive. The thing that would have killed him.

Instead he had sunk down on his couch, and allowed his mind to wander, to drained to do much else, even turn on the TV, or put in a movie.

His mind, rattled though it was by the nights events, had still gone to the place it always did when he allowed himself to lose his tight control over his mask, his mind, and thus, his feelings.

Ziva's face had, like always popped up, and his mind had conjured the picture of her from Paris that he kept close to his person, but had memorized long ago. The grace in her, the beauty, were on the long list of things he wished he could talk to her about. Others were her laugh, her smile. Her ability to roll with his teasing, her ninja abilities. The list was so long.

He wished that she was there with him tonight. Wished that in his haste to leave, Gibbs' had ordered her to come and drive him home. He could see her and try to figure out how to put the last year between them to rights. Then again, how could he only worry about the last year? Nothing had been right between them since before the first separation, before Jenny, before Jeanne.

It was true, once upon a time, he had thought that maybe he stood a chance with the Israeli team member, but then a misguided mission, ex-lovers, Jenny, mistakes and distrust overtook that and he wondered, idly, if he would ever get the chance again.

Tony wondered if he would ever get the chance to right some of his many wrongs. Chief amongst them was killing Michael.

Sure, in the two years since her return from the desert they had discussed it, but it had never felt like truly enough. From the reinstatement of their partnership in a bathroom through her tears over Mike Franks, he was never sure anything he did was enough.

Maybe that was why, this time, he had let himself break Gibbs' rules. EJ was easy, understandable. The female counterpart to his womanizer. Tony never had to work very hard with EJ. He wanted something with her, all it would usually take was a bit of charm and a cocky smile. Maybe a proposition or two.

Ziva had never been that easy. From their first conversation in the rain to their fight on a roof in Tel Aviv, from adeth camp in Somalia to a locked men's room, Tony had never, not once, been on equal ground with his Mossad counterpart.

The Ziva that had been returned to him in that Terrorist camp was not one he had ever met but he sometimes felt like he had no better luck with the, in some ways softer ninja, than he had before.

_I just couldn't_

_Baby I know that you've been wondering_

_Mmm, so here goes nothing_

Now Tony was alone with a list of sins, a long list of questions, a large dose of feelings, so much pain, and no one around to distract, or talk to him. Thoughts that haunted him in the dark of night, that would no doubt, haunt him still in the face of dawn's light.

There were so many that he honestly would not know where to start, wouldn't know how to put some of them into words outside the vortex of his mind. It was not a new thing, a new problem for him.

Tony had never been the same after Jeanne. He had, in a lot of ways grown up. It was easier to continue to hide behind the mask of the playboy however, than admit it. Then he had spent months alone on a ship of 5,000, none of whom were the ones he missed most. Then he had spent two months thinking she was dead. Then he had to figure out how to get back to even ground, to some equilibrium.

The fact that Tony DiNozzo had grown up was one he had not been able to flaunt often, was not something he was even sure he wanted to share. He wasn't sure anyone that was left would care. Not sure that the revelation would mean much in the light of so many mistakes.

_In case you didn't know_

_Baby I'm crazy bout you_

_And I would be lying if I said_

_That I could live this life without you_

Tony had known, after Kate, that his life would never be the same. She was never anything more than a person of passing interest, a little sister to pick on, to train up. Ziva, she had never been a sister, there had never been anything she needed to learn from him. He went from the Senior Field Agent acting as a Teacher, to the Senior Field Agent acting as a Partner.

And Ziva was, and always had been a hell of a partner.

It was different than being Gibbs' partner, but for the life of him, even then, he could never go back to when it had just been him and Gibbs, flying solo with the aid of the Duckman and Abs. Tony had accepted change, slowly, and now, he knew without a doubt that it was the wisest thing he ever did. Even if Tony had found himself in a situation he never would have expected, with a woman he never saw coming, and to many trials to count.

But for every trial there was the good memories. Her laughing across the bull pen, her excited smile when she figured out some idiom or American phrase or cultural thing that was bugging her. Her bright eyes over a wine glass in his apartment. Ziva's well of support when Gibbs retired and left the MCRT to him. That summer had been the start of something else, something they had never been able to explore.

But Ziva's scent had permeated his apartment for that summer, her laugh echoed as he showed her movie after movie, TV shows, everything. Her quiet voice whispering that he was doing a good job, leading. That she had always known he could but he needed to remember that he was not Gibbs. That Tony DiNozzo could have his own ways of leading. And with her help, Tony had proved her right.

It was something that had haunted him, especially in the lead up to, and finding her in Somalia. The trust that had shone in her eyes haunted him, remembering a different set of cold chocolate eyes leaning over him with a gun to his chest. Dead eyes in the face he had loved and feared lost forever still haunted him. Yet before all that, the ways in which she had been there with him every step of the way, a glance enough to know what he couldn't say, to know what she was trying to tell him.

That stupid sojourn at sea had ruined a lot of things. He knew that a lot of it was his fault. She was right, he could have called. But what do you say to a partner you fell in love with without realizing, that was half-way around the world, and that you may never see again, even when you're hell at sea ended? _Hey how's you summer? _

So she had fallen in love without him. With Michael. It had ruined all the good they had built, that they had been rebuilding after the disaster that was Jeanne Benoit. That was Jenny Shepard's hard work down the drain.

_Even though I don't tell you all the time_

_You had my heart a long long time ago_

_In case you didn't know_

Knock-Kncok- Knock.

In some ways he knew who he would find on the other side of the door. It didn't matter that it was almost midnight. He knew it was most likely her, just as much as he had known she never would have showed up at the hospital.

He opened the door, felt her eyes sweep over him.

The faded OSU zip-up, the NCIS basketball shorts, the messy hair. Tony could care less. His eyes, instead, drank her in. The familiar cargo pants, the olive tee-shirt, the waves he loved not soothed by heat and flattened, dark chocolate eyes that were appraising him.

Tony moved aside, let her slip around him into the place she hadn't been in what felt like a lifetime. The Tony that would have opened the door for her then was not the one who closed it behind her now.

"You seem well, for being shot." There was a question there, one he was too tired to suss out. Instead, he waved his hand over the vest, the bullet gleaming under the lights of his kitchen. The would be kill shot neutralized by a pair of pliers and nylon.

Her gaze followed his hand, but was back on him far quicker than he wanted. She resumed studying him, quiet and pensive. Two things that had become a part of his partner, post that summer in Somalia.

"Cade is dead." He said it quietly, the finality in his tone belying the undercurrent of hurt. Of pain and anger. Of so many things.

"He was the mission, yes?" Tony nodded, leaning against the framed out entry, standing sentry between her and the door. Ziva, always stubborn, moved to the couch, noting the song playing on a loop in the background but saying nothing. Instead she settled on the couch and turned to face him.

"The orders that you were given have been met then." He sighed, head hanging.

"Yeah, EJ is MIA, Cade and Levin dead, more questions than answers, a rouge FBI but not really an FBI agent tried to kill me twice, I had a lovely conversation with a shrink and I'm pretty sure the new SecNav hates me even more than the last one did. So yeah, I guess they've been met, everything is just peachy keen."

He moved away from the still too familiar sight of her slumped on his couch toward the kitchen. Sarcasm a heavily relied upon tool, one he lobbed at her before decided on a different tool. Meds be damned, tonight he needed liquor. Shaking hands tugged open his cabinet, searching out the bottle of Jack he had left, finding it on the top shelf. Tony sighed, frustrated.

A hand at his back should have surprised him, but it didn't. "I can't lift my arm that high."

So Ziva slid around him, her body fitting into the small amount of room between him and the counter, leaned up, brought down his Jack, grabbed two glasses and headed back for the couch.

"No Bond?"

Tony watched her pour two fingers into each glass tumbler, before resealing the bottle and holding out his glass. He still hadn't taken his place next to her. Couldn't. The memories hurt too much. Even the good ones.

Maybe especially the good ones.

"007 seemed a touch to… realistic for my life lately."

It was true. He had been away more than home. This stupid assignment taking him away from the job he loved, the team he loved like family, and had done nothing but screw him over. Typical, when he was forced to break a Gibbs rule. Rule #15- his favorite rule, and before Vance and Jenny, one he had never broken.

_The way you look tonight_

_That second glass of wine_

_That did it_

Ziva tipped her glass toward her lips, dark eyes observing him, and it nearly broke her heart, the things she saw.

Not once in the minutes she had been here had he made one quip, one joke, or even cracked a smile. The TV was dark, and looked to have been for a long time. Shadows crossed his eyes, their presence made under them as well as in them. His normally confident walk was nothing more than a shuffle, he favored one side of his body over the other and had not invaded her personal space once.

What was even more concerning than all of that was the way that the sweatshirt and shorts hung off of his frame.

He had lost weight over the summer. It seemed to have been gained in muscle, she could see it under the sleeves of the coat, would no doubt find it under the zipper if she chose.

Once upon a time, after finding him like this, she may have chosen to reach for him, for that zipper, and bring Tony back to her the best way she knew how. But that was a far away dream, a reality she had never gotten to experience.

Though sharing a bed that night in Paris had taught her a few things about Tony DiNozzo that the other five or so years before had not taught her, it was not enough. She wondered, idly, if it would ever be enough.

His earlier sarcastic speech was still ringing in the air between them. She did not know where to start. So she settled for watching him, quiet and patient, waiting him out. Though it would seem that he had guessed her plan. For Tony merely sipped his Jack quietly, a pensive stare steeled somewhere behind her.

The lack of attention on her was disconcerting. In their long partnership she had never felt a gulf this wide between them, aside from a nightmare in Israel that she often tried to forget. She wanted to bridge it, badly, but she did not know where to start. Or maybe, just as she had in the men's room almost two years ago, she did.

"I forgive you."

Wide hazel eyes, leaning toward green tonight finally connected with hers again. He opened his mouth but she shook her head, suddenly knowing what, or some of what, her partner needed to hear. Just as she had when he leaned next to her in a too bright bathroom.

"I once told you that orders are orders. That we may not like them but we must follow them." A derisive snort was all the response she received, but those eyes still hadn't left her.

"There was nothing you could have done last summer to be there, just as there was nothing you could have done this summer. I understand that, I forgive you." He opened his mouth, but she gently guided it shut with a light fingertip. She had a lot more to forgive him for.

"I forgive you for Michael. I regret leaving you, staying. More than anything I regret trying to make something work with Ray rather than fix our partnership after last summer." Ziva stepped closer to him, where he was leaning between his kitchen and living space. Hesitation warred in his bright eyes but she kept her advance soft.

"Ray, our… relationship, it was easier to focus on. You, Tony, have always been...much harder to...our partnership has never…" She sighed, frustrated before just blurting it out. "You are far important, and thus far scarier, yes? So instead, I chose him. I kept choosing him. And then I got mad when you did the exact same thing."

"Why?" It was a simple, quiet question. Much less force behind it then when he had asked two years ago. "Because it was like watching you with Jeanne all over again Tony. EJ, she was someone you understood. Someone you knew how to… care for. Watching you do that, with her. It was not easy."

She turned away from piercing green eyes that had her saying to much. "When you and Gibbs found me, after Cobb. I did not want Ray there. I wanted you." She took a deep breath. "I think I have been wanting you there all summer. Watching you… feeling you retreat from us, from me, after everything that happened…" She turned and took the final few steps back into his space.

Ziva tipped her head back to look at him. Dark eyes searched bright green. "You never got to grieve. To heal, before orders once again tried to break you."

Tony's eyes fell closed and the pain he was trying to shutter from her broke the last of her resolve. She had to touch him. Had to hold him.

So Ziva slid a tentative hand from wrist to shoulder, on the side he was not favoring. The other arm slowly slunk around his waist and she guided a surprisingly agreeable Tony into a hug that was, perhaps long overdue.

It was much different than the one in the elevator after Franks. After seeing his body in the rain and the loss in Gibbs' eyes, grief had lined that one- hard and unforgiving. This hug was softer, a silent offer to let him lean on her, to feel all the things he had buried for his mission.

A soft kiss in her hair was answer enough, it spoke far more volumes than his words ever would.

_There was something bout that kiss_

_Girl it did me in_

_Got me thinking_

_I'm thinking_

_One of the things that I've been feeling_

_Mmm it's time you hear 'em_

"Ziva."

One word, her name, his voice. It had always sent a shiver through her, when he said her name like that. No one else ever said it that. Not one man's voice carrassed the syllabus the way that his did. No one she had ever met spoke it so softly, profoundly. Knowingly. Only him.

She cursed herself again,. Michael, Ray, her father; no man was worth more than the one in her arms.

"I mean it Tony. I forgive you. Now, you must forgive yourself. We will find EJ. I will help. We will do this together. Rule #15 yes?"

A quiet chuckle slid from his lips, she felt more than heard it. The vibration of his chest against hers had her repressing a shiver.

"How is it, ninja, that you always know what I'm thinking?" She tipped her chin up, not caring to move from the comfort of his arms. She tilted her head and a genuine DiNozzo smile overtook his face. Not the playboy grin, not the charming lilt of his lips, but the real smile, the one that made his eyes glimmer.

"I was just thinking about Rule #15 myself." She chuckled against his sternum. But something was still on her mind, something she suddenly wanted all the answers to. A puzzle she needed to solve so that she could go home to an empty ring box, phone Ray and put it all to rest. But she needed the answers.

"Tony, may I ask you something?"

His nod was once again something she felt rather than any verbal sound. Ziva took a deep breath and pulled herself out of the quiet comfort and warmth of his embrace, knowing this was important enough that she needed to see him, his face and his eyes as she asked.

"In Somalia you said something about questions I would want to leave unanswered. What did you mean?"

The senior field agent sighed. He had wondered why this question had never been asked.

"We were a mess Zi. You and I. There were things I wasn't sure if we would ever be able to walk back. Michael. Tel Aviv. Your father." He took a deep breath and his eyes closed.

"The why I was there. The reason why I couldn't live without you. The real reason. The same reason I both missed you at my six last night and why I was glad you were nowhere near me this summer."

Ziva stared at him, silently willing him to continue, to not back out. "Zi… I can't. Rule #12." It was enough of an admission, but she wanted to hear him say it. Needed him to say it.

_In case you didn't know_

_Baby I'm crazy bout you_

_And I would be lying if I said_

_That I could live this life without you_

_Even though I don't tell you all the time_

_You had my heart a long long time ago_

_In case you didn't know_

Tony stared down at the woman less than an arms length away, reading her plea to continue in the eyes he knew how to read. He had once told her that her mouth could say one thing, or nothing at all, but her eyes would never shut up.

Right now those chocolate orbs were demanding that he once again say 'fuck it' to Rule #12 and just tell her. But she was different than EJ. Something more. This had to be done right.

"Ziva, if I answer that, things… things will never be the same. I can't say them and then pretend I didn't."

"So say them." There was a hint of the old Ziva, in the lilt of her voice when she spoke. No hesitation, all bravery and brawn. He smiled faintly. Inhaled and decided, 'to hell with it.'

"You were right, in some way, about Michael. I was jealous. I was jealous that he could share Hebrew with you. Could share memories of Mossad with you. That he had you. But I was never unsure of your loyalty Ziva. I never doubted you, not for one second. Then I thought you died…" He shuddered.

"God Zi, I… those days and weeks were awful. Abs was a wreck, not even Gibbs and Probie could fix it. Probie was so lost, Gibbs was so… distant. I had to keep it together, at the office, for all of them. It was my job. But I would come home, stare at that damn spot on the couch you used to occupy and flirt with me from, and I wanted to punch something."

Tony took her hand and led him to the hallway, the one that headed to his guest room, bed room and kitchen. He pointed to the spot that Gibbs had wordlessly helped him fix after the trip to Somalia. "I put a hole through the wall. Didn't even break skin, or a knuckle. I went through three layers of plaster. It didn't help."

He closed his eyes, clutching her hand as he went back in time. "Then we figured it out. The Damocles. Saleem. Caf-pow. The director signed off and we were off."

His eyes opened to meet dark brown ones. "I'm not proud to admit it Zi but I couldn't promise Abs I would be back. I didn't. I wasn't ever going to come back. I told her not to worry, that I would get them home, but I never once said a damn thing about myself. Hell, if there was no other way, I wouldn't have even let Probie come with me to get caught."

Dark and troubled hazel eyes met watery brown, her breath caught in her throat but she let him continue. "You know what happened after that. I swear to god, it was like I suddenly could breath again and all at once everything was even worse, when Saleem pulled that bag off your head. And then we got out, but you didn't really leave there. Not for a while."

Ziva tried to look away but he wouldn't let her. "I forgave you for Tel Aviv the minute you walked away. I forgave you for forgetting who you could trust before you even decided not to get on that plane. I did my best to leave you alone, when we got back, because I knew you would never want to hear from me again. Or so I thought."

This was it, no going back. Tony stared at her, Ziva stared up at him. "I love you Ziva, I loved you then. I realized it sometime between losing you back to Mossad after Jenny and watching you distance yourself from us. Felt it all to keenly in the nightmare where you were never coming home. Then you came home and I couldn't tell you. I couldn't do that to you. To us. To the team."

"And last night?" It was so quiet, but he smiled, soft and pressed his face into her hair for a moment to hide it. To regroup.

"I knew the minute we all stepped into that ally with weapons drawn or confusion on our faces that I was screwed. I was glad that you weren't on my six to be in harm's way and in dire need of some good ol' ninja moves."

At his words Ziva's body shook, gentle laughter filled the air and he grinned into her hair again. But he sobered far to quickly.

"That shot rang out Zi and suddenly I wondered what would have happened if the vest hadn't been there. I fell to the ground and got so lucky that the guy didn't stay around to see his dirty work. I have to hope that EJ got away, but she left me there, alone, dazed and bleeding in that alley way, Cade's dead body inches from me and I knew you would never have done that."

She pulled away from him then and Tony took a deep breath. It was there, in the open.

_You've got all of me_

_I belong to you_

_Yeah you're my everything_

Ziva felt the deep breath as she pulled away, realizing somewhere in the back of her mind that they were still in his hallway. She took his hand and lead him back to the living room, gathering her thoughts.

Really there wasn't much gathering left.

Who knew that all it would take was a silent summer and a few bullet rounds to make them finally get here. She was both elated and full of trepidation. Ziva couldn't meet his eyes.

"Before he left, for a mission I know nothing about, Ray gave me an empty ring box. He said it was a promise for the future, a representation of his promises. I… I could not say anything, and then he left, and you left, and nothing about this summer was normal."

A calloused but gentle hand guided her face back up to meet his eyes and she sighed. "And then Gibbs called and said that you had gone down. That you were shot. And then he ordered me to stay home." She cupped his face gently. "I was so afraid Tony. When he told me you were home I grabbed my shoes and left. I did not care for the time or the strain. I had to see you myself."

She smiled at him. "I forgave you for it all before you even walked away this summer. I forgave you for missing what you promised you wouldn't before either of us could voice it. I never forgave Michael that easily. I have not forgiven Ray, I do not think I can forgive Ray. I thought that his job would make things easier. That he would understand, but I forgot what that meant for his job. I could never let him keep secrets from me. I did not, do not, trust him enough."

Ziva leaned her forehead against his, settled her body between the vee of his legs where she had guided them to rest against the edge of his sectional. She breathed the words against his lips, waiting.

"I love you Tony."

_In case you didn't know_

_Baby I'm crazy bout you_

_And I would be lying if I said_

_That I could live this life without you_

_Even though I don't tell you all the time_

_You had my heart a long long time ago_

Her quiet words were the sweetest thing Anthony DiNozzo ever remembered hearing. Feeling them against his lips had been a dream. One he would never have thought would come true.

"I fight for you ZIva."

Gentle hands tipped his head up, green eyes clashed with brown.

"I fight for you as well Tony."

Then his partner tipped her head, her lips met his and his world would never be the same. It suddenly re-aligned and fell into place, pieces shifting easily to make room for her.

Tony kissed her softly, gently, cradling her body to his like glass. Ziva responded in kind. Her hands gentle as they raked through his hair, as she cupped his face. Nothing more would be done tonight. He couldn't, she wouldn't. She still had to call Ray. he still had to find EJ.

They had to figure out how to tell Gibbs, but in that moment nothing mattered. Their thoughts floated away from them in the dark, both relishing in the simple contact they had wondered about and wanted to taste again since that undercover assignment when they were still strangers.

Now they were far from strangers. He held her heart, she held his. Tony loved her. Ziva loved him. The rest would come in time. For tonight they basked in the simple glow of knowing, finally, nothing held back, that they loved one another, and that they would make the rest right. That they would make the rest work. For now, the hard part was over.

Now they knew.

_Yeah you had my heart a long long time ago_

_Mmm, In case you didn't know_

_No no_

_In case you didn't know_


End file.
